Teachers

Hogmanny-Hog-Mahomm (Mrs.)


Teaches Vegetables
It is said that she speaks over 300 different vegetable languages.
Has translated the full Harry Potter series in to many of these languages, the first one being Karrotsch (the language most carrots speak).
She is also famous for having grown Carrot 27b, the world’s largest carrot.

Grodzinski (Mr.)


Teaches Physical Education/Wobble Ball
Current wobble ball World Champion. Rumored that he is totally bald but wears a wig, and has a tattoo of a dancing aardvark on the top of his head.
Cries very easily.

Darling (Mr.)

Teaches Math
Weirdly strict. Obsessed with his pinkfish, and every day, during recess, he takes them for a walk around the school yard and then usually reads them a story. He also loves to take them hiking, and to the beach.
Always wears a necktie and is believed to have over 4,000 of them in his collection.

Mr. Darling lives on the top floor of a very tall building (called Marquard Tower) which is exactly 3.3 miles from Swedhump Elementary. He walks to school every day, with his pinkfish, and always the identical routine.

The first mile is on the left hand side of the road, and on the way Mr. Darling says good morning to every tree. He has named each one and he remembers them all. They then stop for a coffee and croissant at Jean-Paul Patisserie, where Mr. Darling does his daily math quiz from the newspaper.

They then cross the road and walk the next half mile on the right hand side of the road, making sure to not step on any cracks in the sidewalk, or on shadows. If there is a long shadow that’s impossible to cross, Mr. Darling is allowed to do so by holding his breath.

They then cross back to the left hand side of the road and stop at his favourite store, Spider-Murphy’s, Purveyors of Gentlemanly Neckties and Breathmints. Every day Mr. Darling buys a new necktie for school, and puts it on in the mirror, usually to the nodding approval of both Mr. Spider and Mr. Murphy. The then purchases 13 mints, pops one into his mouth, one into the pinkfish bowl, pays, and then crosses back to the right hand side of the road for one mile.

The then cross back to the right side of the road for the final mile to Swedump Elementary. Mr. Darling makes sure, for good luck, to hold his breath as he passes under the school gates. The fish do the same. As far as we can tell.

Tadros (Mrs.)


Teaches Science
Known to spend entire weekends in the science lab, bubbling up new concoctions, and is famous for being able to make all kinds of perfumes.
Very interested in anything to do with Egypt, and once spent a year traveling up the Nile on a boat. Left-handed and very allergic to Grobsnots.

Belch-Hick (Mrs.)

Teaches English
She’s a bit weird, and has a cat called Dog.
Lives in a weird tower on the edge of the Moremi Forest adjacent to Swedhump Elementary.

Mrs. Belch-Hick is very snobby about literature. She believes children books should not have pictures in them. The weird thing is, even though she features in the Dash Candoo books, she is really rude about them. In fact she goes out of her way to recommend people don’t read them.

After the FIRST Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“Have you read read book 1 yet? It was really awful.”

After the SECOND Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“It was the worst book I have ever read. It was BEYOND awful. And I’m an English teacher so I know this things.”

After the THIRD Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“Why are books like this even allowed?”

After the FOURTH Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“The books are bad enough, but who are the kids that actually read them. What kind of kids are they? What’s wrong with them?”

After the FIFTH Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“All five of those books should be banned. They are rubbish. TOTAL RUBBISH!”

Hogsbottom (Mr.)


Teaches Paper Airplanes
Also works part-time as an astronaut and has been to the moon twice.
Former test pilot at Triplocopter Flight Training Academy.
Always kind, friendly and calm.
Loves cheese.

Zhonst (Mrs.)


Teaches Face-Pulling
Won the World Face-Pulling Championship which was held at the Timbuktu Zoo in 1972 (it’s true).

Woodhouse (Ms.)


Teaches Art
One of the world’s most respected jump-splodge painters

Williams (Dr.)


Teaches First Aid
Has some of the world’s most fancy medical equipment and also happens to be one of the world’s most famous ant breeders.
She has trained the worlds most famous ant choir.

Plumtree (Mr.)


Teaches Plumbing
Formerly the world’s most sought-after Royal Plumber.
We have no idea how he got that dent in the side of his head, so don’t even ask.

Proudfoot (Mr.)


Teaches Dance
Famous for his rain-dance, which ALWAYS works. World Rain-dancing Champion in 2018 (everyone actually had to evacuate the stadium on boats because he was so effective). For health & safety reasons he is forbidden from doing his rain dance on school premises.

Ibis (Mr.)


Teaches Bicycle-building
World famous for having won the Tour de South-Northern Swottolia (a legendary mountain race) on a bicycle he built while blindfolded.
Instrumental in setting up the online courses at the world famous Quadcycle Training Academy.

Rosebank (Mrs.)

Principal of Swedhump Elementary.
She is extremely wise, patient and powerful.
She is also invisible. Because of this, nobody knows what she actually looks like.
Only one photo has ever been taken of her (see below).
It is believed that when she was young, she got stung by a large swarm of invizizzes, which explains the whole invisibility thing.

Greenacre (Ms.)


Teaches Zip-Lining
Former World Zip-Lining Champion.
When on the ground, uses a noncycle.
Never goes anywhere without Derek (her pet eel) around her neck.
Loves smarshmallows.

Wobblethorpe (Mrs.)


Teaches: Bed-Jumping
Used to own the World’s Second-Most Amazing Hotel.
Has jumped on over 32,000 beds.

McYawn (Mr.)


Teaches: Really Boring Class
World’s most boring person.
We don’t want to tell you anything more about him here because it will put you to sleep.

Ozniak (Mrs.)


Teaches: History
She is so knowledgeable that people believe she is actually a time-traveller. Her recollections of historical events are almost first-hand, as if she had been there herself.
There are rumours that she had a cup of tea on top of the pyramid in Giza the day after it was finished, a cup of coffee on the Titanic, and a cup of chock-hotlit (similar to hot chocolate, but better) on the summit of Everest with Hilary and Tensing in 1953.

Grimstead (Ms.)


Teaches: Library
Former Chief Library Officer of the UNRLEAM (the United Nations Royal Library of Everything & More). For that job she had to memorise the exact locations of 32 billion and 7 books.
Lump on her head. Sometimes throbs.

Steadyneck (Mr.)


Teaches: Potted-Plant Balancing
Potted-Plant Balancing champion in 1958.
VERY old.
And very nice.

Sniffy (Mr.)

Owner of the Sniffsonian Museum.
Very ambitious.
Wants every kid on the planet to have visited the museum.

Aqualine (Ms.)

Entrepreneur and adventurer.
Owner of Aqualinia Waterpark which neighbors the Sniffsonian Museum.

Andrea Aqualine has always loved waterslides. When she was just 3 years old she built one from the her 2nd floor bedroom down to the pool. He parents were not happy. When she was 4 she built another one that went from the roof. Her parents were still not happy. When she was 5, she entered a waterslide idea into the World Waterslide Ideas Championships and won first prize, which was a million dollars, which she invested. Her parents this time were very happy.

After graduating from high school as Valedictorian (highest academic achievements of the class) and Waterslideorium (highest waterslide achievements of the class), she won a scholarship to do a MWA (Masters in Waterslide Actualisation) at Snoddford University, probably the best waterslide institution in the nation, if not the world. She came top of her class. Upon graduation, she sold her investments (which had trebled in value), and used the money to build Aqualinia.

Glamorgan (Ms.)

Teaches Egyptology.
On some days, especially if it has been raining, there appears to be a small pyramid growing out of the top of her head. Nobody is sure whether it is decorative or some kind of pointy pimple.
Really famous swimmer – has won gold medals twice at the Olympics.
99m elbowstroke ad 147m grinning-dolphin.
Only person to have swum the full length of the River Nile (4,132 miles) five times, and a different stroke each time:
2020 – Windmill-stroke
2019 – Snack-stroke
2018 – Sulkingduck-stroke
2017 – Confused-starfish-stroke
2016 – Cactus-balancing-stroke

Glissicle (Ms.)

Teaches waterslide.
World Waterslide Champion (2008)
Final was held on the famously infamous slide, Spaghetti Junction.
She won by doing a Quadruple Corkscrew off the shoulder of Tube 617
(known as the Death Descent), whilst balancing a cup of tea on her head.
She spilled not a single drop. Apparently she drank the tea during the awards ceremony, and it was still warm.

Nomsa-Nomsa-Nomsa (Mr.)

Teaches hole-digging
The world’s most respected hole-digger mechanic.
Can repair a hole-digger faster than anyone.
Specialities include:
Cut-throat 64
Trenchifyer 98
Perforator 800
Aardvark 4.2D
Aardvark 66

Rrr-Tökk-Tökk (Mr.)

Teaches the Pause Game.
Invented the Pause Game and is current World Champion.
Wrote the #1 Bestselling Pauselopedia.

Homputer 44573X

Teaches cooking.
Homputer 44573X is a homputer that specialises in cooking. Its memory bank stores all receipes ever made in the history of humankind. It also knows all recipes that any human will prepare going forward for the next 25 years.

Stinson (Mr.)

Teaches Ceiling-throw, which he actually invented.
Current Ceiling-throw World Champion.
The first World Championships were held in 2019. He was the only participant, and won gold.
The second World Championships were held in 2020. Again, he was the only participant, and won gold.
Loves dancing and has a pre-competition warm-up wiggle dance which he does before every competition. If you ask him nicely, he’ll demonstrate it for you.

Ghogghh (Mr.)

Teaches Highly Irritating class
World Marble Run Champion in 2017.
Likes talking about his marble run. A lot.
Likes crocodiles.
Involved with field-testing of early models of the Annoyingometer™.

Rosebank (Mr.)

Husband of Mrs. Rosebank.
World-famous inventor and ice cream maker.
Builder of the legendary Ice Cream machine (ICM).
Has a dedicated inventor’s shed on school premises, which is OUT OF BOUNDS.
If a kid is caught near the shed, he or she will be expelled immediately.

M’Punn-Dinn-Gurry (Ms.)

Teaches Annoying class
Crowned World’s Most Annoying Person (by GAMA – the Global Annoyingness Measuring Authority) back in 2007, which is why she was hired by the school.

Involved with field-testing of early models of the Annoyingometer™.

Annoying things about her include:

[1] Constantly taps her pencil on her desk.
[2] Speaks extremely quietly.
[3] Burps the alphabet.